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Sunday, Jul. 28, 2002 - 2:17 a.m. wearing: who cares? paranoia, paranoia, everybody's coming to get me okay, so here's the deal: Wednesday something happened at work involving a person outside my firm. Wednesday night, I got Googled by name--there's one linking source that, if it shows up in my stats, I know that's what happened. Since then I haven't been able to sleep or eat or deal with myself and I feel like I'm going to die, even though I know that's ridiculous, or that some professional harm is going to come to me, and I know I'm being ridiculous and for all I know somebody was looking for information regarding this college baseball player in Pennsylvania who has my same name, or a geology professor at a college in Texas who also has my same name, but the timing is too coincidental and typing this right now, my hands are shaking so badly I'm barely able to function at the keyboard. I told somebody the other day, "I don't ever want to get to the point professionally where I'm not amazed and delighted and humbled by the fact that people want me to work for them." But right now I really wish I could quit and move back to Alabama and live with my parents because I'm so upset about all this. If someone wants to use what I've written here to try to get some kind of professional advantage over me, obviously I'm the one who's made an error in judgment by writing it and thereby revealing my "weaknesses," and now I'm borderline suicidal over the whole thing. Addendum, Sunday afternoon, following long hysterical night with Nina and Maddie trying to figure out what was wrong with Mommy: I'm going to take a break from posting here that may be permanent. I don't know yet. Don't worry--I'm still reading all of your diaries. And you can still leave notes for me, or e-mail me at jdl at bowhead dot diaryland dot com. I'm just trying to figure out what the appropriate balance is between my personal and professional lives, and whether or not any of it is worth it--very bad mood now. dreading ever setting foot back in my office, or, for that matter, out of my house, but I'm going to have to do something about the latter sooner rather than later 'coz I'm out of seltzer water. I'll be back, someday, somewhere, probably. � 5.2.03--all packed up and nowhere to go yet - Friday, May. 02, 2003 *** Diaryland *** Moi *** Maintenant *** Temps Perdu |